The Long Ass Haul to Glory

I like quotes.  Fucking love ‘em.  I don’t always remember the exact wording, or the original author, but here’s a fave:

Great deeds are simpler than you think.  They just take way fucking longer than you can possibly fucking fathom.

(Pretty sure the original quote didn’t have f bombs.  I like to add obscene sparkle to things.  It’s my special gift.  You’re welcome.)

I think this quote is incredibly useful to put the proper perspective on health and hotness pursuits.  When you’re looking to lose weight, the generally accepted level of safe, sustainable fat loss is 1 to 2 pounds a week.  So if someone is really looking to lose a lot of weight, say 50 pounds… we may be looking at 6 months to a year.  A full YEAR.  And muscle gain?  If you’re an intermediate guy with some muscle mass and several years of training experience, if you gain 2 pounds of actual muscle tissue a MONTH… you should be ecstatic.

In my experience, these realistic expectations are lost on most folks.  For some reason, it’s hard for us to accept the fact that the weight we put on over the course of 25 years can’t be lost in a few weeks.  Our heads may understand this isn’t rational… but hearts can be fickle things.

And this desire for instant gratification is to be expected.  Modern American life is a wonderland of ease and convenience.  Want new shoes?  Rad. bitches.  Want something to eat but don’t have time to cook.  Delivery food motherfucker!  Want to find a baby unicorn to raise as your very own?  Craigslist has TONS.  (… I haven’t independently confirmed this, but I’m pretty sure you can find baby unicorns on Craigslist, yeah?)

Marketers have wisely couched their fitness and nutrition solutions in the terms of maximal results with no time or effort expended.  Every supplement, every infomercial, every book seems to offer faster and easier fitness success.  And as someone who’s made a name for himself with a program named “Snatched in 6 Weeks,” I can hardly exclude myself from promoting quick results.  (Though, to be entirely fair, it’s always been my intention to position Snatched as a “kick start” to a new life of health and hotness.)

My Favorite Recipe For A Delicious Serving of Misery!

As always, I like to think comfort can be found in the relative simplicity of health and hotness victory.  The tactics and strategies for all but the rarified air of elite athletes are not complicated.  They just take waaaaaaay fucking longer to bear fruit than we want.

And my counterintuitive reaction to the slow pace of physique transformation?


Not to be a total dick, but if you’re not willing to work for something for weeks and even months, I’m going to gently suggest you don’t deserve it.  Nothing of substantial value can be accomplished in an afternoon.   You can’t build a relationship without investing time and energy.  You can’t create a great work of art without being willing to put in the time and the work.  You can’t achieve a truly audacious dream without relentlessly plugging away through setbacks, failures, and missteps.

Please know, I don’t mean this to be a value judgement.  But if you think you’re entitled to have your dream physique without working your ass off, Mother Nature will generally have a different viewpoint.  If you’re not willing to cook some of your own food, or make the time to workout, or address your patterns of self-sabotage, why should you have the physique you’ve always wanted?

Remember, “you can’t get something you’ve never had doing what you’ve always done.”

I don’t believe a self-actualized life is something that just “happens,” and I don’t think optimal levels of health and hotness are achieved without sweat and toil.  True fitness glory is chosen every day with any number of small victories.  Choosing to go to the gym even though your schedule got messed up.  Choosing the small salad instead of the fries.  Choosing to get that extra hour of sleep instead of watching Real Housewives of Wherever the Fuck Affluent People With Questionable Values Crave Adding Fame To Their Wealth.

I’m super stoked about the results we get at MFF, and I’m honored folks come in believing we can help them achieve their goals.  We’re honored by this trust, and to be totally frank… we think they’re making a good choice.  But it’s only fair to be upfront that we have no magic pill.

We have the keys to your physique transformation, but you’re still gonna have to get it yourself.  And inconveniently, your set of keys are at the top of a fucking mountain.  We will be your health and hotness sherpas; we will light your path, we will pick you back up when you stumble, and we will definitely make inappropriate jokes about bodily fluids to keep you from taking yourself too seriously.  But it will be hard work.  And it will take time.  The human body has it’s own schedule, and can only move so quickly.

I’m going to again suggest this is a gift.  It’s a gift because you will not take your success for granted.  You will learn that if you have the discipline to give your body the time and effort it needs to finally get in shape, there’s no limit to what you can do in any realm of your life.

In many ways, this is an updated version of an old post, “Training Is Like Farming.”  I will leave you with the same closing.

The law of the farm.

Plant the seeds.

Feed and water properly.

Wait for results; they will happen, not in days, but in weeks and months.


Let’s get to know each other and see how we can help you!

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